9-21-2011

so here i am ready to confess my sins...

...i have cheated...pretty much all summer long. i thought i had my cheating on this diet under control but i didnt. today is day 3. i weigh 154lbs as of this morning (a whopping 24lbs from my smallest size) and i have 34lbs to go till i am completely off this diet.

You should never cheat on this diet. it sends your brain into sugar overload. things i normally didnt care for i CRAVED, as in wake up in the middle of the night NEEDING!!! i felt myself getting fatter with each and every bite of this sinful food! My lack of self control made me self conscience and discusting everytime i ate in public. with every meal we had out, whether it was camping, or dinners, or bbqing with friends i felt ppl judging me. i felt that EVERYONE could see i was getting fatter with every bite.

But now i can honestly say i'm back on track. When NOTHING in my closet fit me it was my wake up call. Lets just say sweats and tee shirts have been my best friend the last three days. I'm so glad i got rid of EVERY thing in my fat wardrobe. Its hard for me to get rid of things, i was scared i needed them again. if i had them in the closest still i probably wouldnt have been so focased getting back on this diet the last three days.

day three is the hardest though. its the last day of your sugar reserve in the body. my stomach has been at a constant grumble for more food all day. and i know its just cause it wants sugar! but i know i mustn't. i can do this! i will not fail.

my brothers are coming up HOPEFULLY for christmas. one hasnt seen me since i was 230+lbs. i want to shock them! i've always been the fatty in my family and for once i can actually sit comfortably and not feel so self aware.

also with summer pretty much gone i can start working out again. (after i complete the diet of course) i can't wait to see what i'll look like then. Being excited for the diet again has made me refocus as well. i'm conjuring up new dinners to keep it interesting for me. the more intersting i can make it the more likely i have to sticking with it. the good part is i no longer work. i am STUCK here at home and i cant just RUN to the store real quick when i have a craving for things NOT in the house. (benefit of living in the sticks)

so here it is day 3 week 1 of the restart of my diet. wish me luck and strength everyone.

8-25-2011

Lets face it. i've failed this diet! the fat girl inside me wanted out. i'm back up to 150 and i can't go a day without cheating. what is my problem. i hate being 150, i liked being 130! i thought well maybe i'll quit the diet and work out. but who am i kidding. it could take me months to get down those 30lbs. but i know that if i stick with it i could be back down in a month and a half.

so here i am. 150lbs,. and tomorrow i'm going to start again at day one week one. god grant me the strengh to keep with it this time. i have the weekend coming up and then camping. i want to look good at nicks company picnic in 17 days. I CAN DO THIS!!!

i put my bathing suit on today and felt GROSS!!! and nothing is fitting right. i'm in between sizes and it looks aweful! i need to go clothes shopping in a few months for winter clothes and i want to be the size i want to be, not this fat cow sitting in front of the computer.

ppl dont get it though. what i do to myself all day. beat myself up. gag at the site of my flab! but i'm the only on who can change the way i look. and so far i'm not proving that i want to.

but tomorrow, tomorrow i'm starting fresh like its a new diet i've never done. day one!! i just have to remind myself wehere i came from. if i tell myself over and over again that in 6 weeks the flab will be gone and the diet will be done i can stick with it. i dont know what happened to the amazing will power i once had. it was great. i could turn anything down without even wanting a lick. i want that girl back. so tomorrow i'm going to get that girl back.

wish me luck. i know no one is actually reading this but it makes me feel better to just vent it out. also i need to stay off the scale, its depressing me. i'm on it about 5 times a day. and natlaie sees me on the scale a lot and is now weighing herself constantly. same with chloe. so i need to do it once a day and put the scale away. i dont want the girls being over cautious of their weight, thats my job. especially at their young age!

COME ONE DAY ONE BRING IT ON!!!

7-19-2011

FAILED!

that is the word of the month....failed, failure..whatever. I dont know what even started getting me to cheat but i did. I was driving home from a long day in tacoma with a cooked pizza in my car for nick. and then i just started eating it. WTF!!!! well i cheated that night and then the next day.. i have issues. but my stomach was sooo over full i felt 9 months pregnant. I vowed never to do it again and back on the diet i went. not too bad though i ended up loosing all the weight i gained in about 4 days.

Then i did it again. WTF all over again. this time it was for 2 days. then i got right back on hte diet and lost the 20lbs i gained in about 4 days....

THEN we went camping....and i did it again this time it was like a 5 day binge. wth is wrong wiht me. and its not like i eat a little here a little there. no i eat and eat and eat and eat....gained baout 25lbs over that weekend and again lost it all in about 4 days.

see the pattern....in my head i think okay well its the weekend i'll cheat and in about 4 days i'll be back down to my sexy 131. but i forget about how miserable i am coming off a cheating binge. the lack of sugar makes me bitchy! and all i think about is well i can start again tomorrow, or its okay all the weight will be gone in about 4 days. it doesnt matter. i need to think the other way. i need off this diet and i need to stay focused!

i have a bridal shower in about a week and a half and i want to look cute, also chloes birthday is coming up soon and i want ppl to see how different i look from natalie's party. then that following weekend nick and i are going to his cousins wedding in oregon and i have a very cute dress (size 5) that i want to look great in!! plus i am trying to save up to go to arizona ot see my brothers...and thats hot heat and i'm not wearing jeans and a t'shirt. all these things should motivate me. SHOULD. but yet again every weekend i'm stuffing my fat face with anything i can.

the reason i havent blogged is cause i was embarrased by my lack of self control. i was doing sooo good. i was in a small tank top and size 5 jeans. i was sooo happy when i bought those clothes...then i cheated. FAILURE!!! i only have one more goal...120lbs...then i'm done with this diet and back to eating and exercising. i honestly can't wait either.

the thing that i dont get is why do i cheat when eating doesnt make me feel good at all.. i get headaches from the sugars, and i get sooo swollen from the water weight. its uncomfortable. not to mention my digestive issues it brings.

well here i am. back at day 1 week 1....i have a fridge full of veggies and i'm not wavering this time. wish me luck.

6-14-2011

TRYING NEW THINGS



walden farms has some GREAT products out there. i have recently found the alfredo and the tomato and basil sauce! paired with some ground turkey and some chicken and zuccini noodles its a great meal that even the girls have enjoyed with me. (well bites off my plate at least). the picture shows each item i cooked seperatley so you can see all that is done. but i combined everythign in the end. I will post the reciepe for chicken alfredo when i can make it again and get a good picture.








Turkey Spegetti and Zuccini Noodles


5oz ground turkey breast


parsley flakes


garlic powder





walden farms tomatoe and basil sauce


mrs dash tomatoe basil garlic





1 cup zuccini noodles (see previous post for reciepe)


-olive oil


-1 garlic clove


-parsley flakes


1 cup sauted mushrooms



brown turkey in pan with parsley and garlic powder. heat tomatoe sauce in a pot (amount is up to you) add browned turkey and saute'd mushrooms to the sauce and let simmer. heat olive oil on high, add garlic clove saute till garlic is brown add zuccini and parsley flakes cook on medium high for 2 minutes. serve sauce on top of "noodles". ENJOY!

6-8-2011

so i'm currently right now sporting a size 6 pair of jeans that....well....are baggy...wth!! loL! i think its time to go shopping....which nick has given me the go ahead but i'm jsut waiting till i'm completely done.

i start phase 2 tomorrow. and i'm kinda nervous. i really liked drinking my protien shake with my lunch......but i have some eggs boiling to put in my salad for tomorrow and friday...(didnt really know what else to make since i got home too late to really make anything else). we'll see how hungry i am after lunch. maybe the REAL protien with my dinner will fill me up longer. phase 3 seems like soooo much food.....kinda not looking forward to that! lol

so far i've only lost 2lbs this week. i'm at 130 and i'm okay iwth that. i like the size i'm at right now. i feel goood! i look good too. my clothes are all baggy but thats a temporary problem.

time to finish preping for lunch tomorrow and go to bed. have a good night ya'll

6-7-2011

blah! so i'm at 130 even today, down .8 from yesturday. not bad. i'll take that! although thats only down 2lbs from thursday. i'm thinking what ever i am at this thursday i will start to phase off of the diet. we are going camping on 4th of july weekend and i dont want to be restricted. besides i need to start working out too. toning up. and since work is picking up i think i could definetly use the extra calories throughout the day to keep up with my work demand. especially if i'm gonna wanna work out at 8pm after the girls go to sleep. i can't do that on just what i am eating now. its not enough to last all day and work out. i'm pretty excited though.

this past weekend was a lot of fun with my family. it seems we are all so busy throughout the week to really spend time together and we got that time this weekend. i'm very excited where my life is going and i couldnt ask for anything better.

i should be going to MEPS next friday too. from there i will be able to figure out my life, and what my family will do while i'm gone. this week is a pretty big week for us.....i'm very excited for thursday too!

well happy tuesday everyone!!

6-2-2011

WOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! today is a great day!!!! 100lbs since 8-18-09!!! can you believe it! i sure can't. as a girl that has always struggled with her weight this to me is amazing! i dont even have words to describe it! i would like to thank nick for supporting me on this journey and for my good friends who have also supported me throughtou this process. i have 12 more lbs to go till i'm done with the ideal protien diet adn i plan to continue to use the reciepes that i've been using. but just not as strickly. like i can make enough for everyone instead of having to portion out EVERYTHING. i've been on this diet since february, i kinda know what a portion of meat looks like. and it fills me up. as long as i have a lot of veggies i'm good to go. i also like the idea that since I"M trying new foods so are the girls. even nick liked the "noodles" that i made. i will be able ot make a big batch for everyone to share with some chicken without having to use 50 million pans to cook it. oh man dishes will be a whole lot easier too. making two dinners is a challenge sometimes. especially in a rush. i dont have a lot of pots and pans so i have to make sure that they are washed and ready to go, sometimes washing them while i'm cooking so i can reuse a pan or a utensil.

wow 100lbs. i'm telling everyone today. i'm finally NOT the fat chick! i can't wait to see my friend sharon in july! and my brothers if they ever come back up here :( i've been really missing them a lot lately. but not to make my head bigger but these are the ppl that haven't seen me THROUGHOUT the diet so i really want to see their reaction. sharon hasnt seen me since 100lbs ago. and by the time she gets here i should be at my goal weight and toning up. CAN ANYONE SAY "lake time"!!!!!!

well i better finish getting ready for work. i hear a little one in the room knocking on her door to get out!

oh and jen i will post the reciepe for dinner i made last night tonight after the kids go to bed